


Fata Morgana

by Estrella_Sebaek



Series: EXO - 1 Song 1 Story [5]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Beautiful goodbye, Character Death, EXO - 1 Song 1 Story, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Inspired by EXO’s song, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Portrait of You, Self-Discovery, Suicide Attempt, flower - Freeform, i’ll be there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:34:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24538570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Estrella_Sebaek/pseuds/Estrella_Sebaek
Summary: People said paintings are the most realistic dream one can build.I paint, I sketch your smile, I chase our dreams.I continue painting, so that the portrait of us will continue smiling even if reality erodes us.When time passes, flowers wilt and colour fades, is it easier to remember or to forget?
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Oh Sehun
Series: EXO - 1 Song 1 Story [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1660081
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Portrait of You

**Author's Note:**

> Here comes the new story for this month! I just want to warn you in advance that it is not really a happy story and I’m sorry to have planned it for this month. This is a short story with probably 3 or 4 chapters in total. I will put appropriate trigger warnings before I post each chapter. 
> 
> The 1st part alone may seem awkward but things will be clearer with the development and explanation in the 2nd part. I hope you will like it!
> 
> BGM & Lyrics: Portrait of You / I’ll Be There / Beautiful Goodbye / Flower - Chen  
> Eng Lyrics @ itshysterie (Twitter)

✧  
_걸터앉아 널 다시 그려보는 일  
I sit back down and try to draw you once again  
하나하나 채워보는 일  
Filling details of you in one by one  
맘에 새겨진 어딘가 슬픈 그 눈빛  
Your somewhat sad gaze is engraved in my mind  
그 눈을 고칠 수가 없어 난  
And I can’t fix that now_

I have to paint.  
Why?  
To dream.

People said paintings are the most realistic dream one can build.

I paint, I pave the path to our wonderland.  
I continue painting, so that we won’t get lost in the mist.  
I paint, I sketch your smile, I chase our dreams.  
I continue painting, so that the portrait of us will continue smiling even if reality erodes us.

_나뭇잎에 떨어지는 빗방울도  
It feels as if even single raindrop off a tree leaf  
내 맘을 무너지게 할 것만 같아  
Could cause my heart to collapse_

✧  
_Spring._

Baekhyun had been busy in the kitchen for three hours, making his best effort to bake the perfect chocolate truffle cake. He heard the ding sound of the oven and took the baking pan out. The air in the kitchen was immediately filled with the sweet and rich choco flavour. Satisfied with his progress, Baekhyun smiled, walked to the other side of the base cabinet and started preparing the filling and ganache. He was humming the melody of his latest favourite song from BOL4, _Leo_ , which was a perfect soothing song for Spring time. _Butterfly and Cat_ , how adorable. The ganache was spread over the top and sides of the cake perfectly, Baekhyun then put the cake into the refrigerator.

It was 12 April, birthday of Baekhyun’s boyfriend. Sehun would be back in an hour’s time, leaving Baekhyun some time to tidy up the kitchen a bit. After restoring the kitchen to its original state, Baekhyun took a quick bath and changed into his favourite red hoodie. Sehun always said he looks best in red, cheerful and energetic. He loved everything Sehun loved, so more and more red shirts and hoodies were added to his wardrobe. 

He lit some candles on the dining table, waiting for his lover to return. The cake and a bottle of champagne were placed on the table, alongside a watch in a black velvet gift box, a handwritten card and a bottle of sweets.

Baekhyun heard the sound of the front door opening, followed by the familiar footsteps. Sehun took off his jacket and entered the dining room. He pecked a quick kiss on Baekhyun’s cheek that made Baekhyun fluster.

“Happy Birthday, dear.” Baekhyun held Sehun’s hand and signalled him to take a seat.

 _“Thank you, love. This cake looks amazing, did you bake it?”_ Sehun’s eyes turned into crescents when he saw the chocolate cake. 

“Yes, and here is a gift for you.” Baekhyun passed the watch and the card to Sehun.

_“Babe, you know you don’t have to buy me any birthday gifts. You are already my best gift.”_

“I want to. Now, shall we try the cake? Let’s make a wish first Sehunie.” Baekhyun started to sing the Happy Birthday song while Sehun closed his eyes and made his wish. He blew out all candles on the cake at once. 

Baekhyun divided the cake into four slices and put one in front of Sehun. He also took one slice of the cake. “Let’s leave the rest to Kyungsoo and Jongdae. They said they are gonna come back late tonight.” 

Sehun nodded and took a bite of the cake. Baekhyun poured the champagne into two glasses and asked, “how’s it?”

 _“It’s the most delicious cake I’ve ever eaten. Thanks, I love you.”_ Sehun finished the entire slice, then he took a sip of the champagne. 

Baekhyun stared at his boyfriend lovingly. He could feel the butterflies in his stomach whenever Sehun confessed to him. “Sehun-ah, I love you, so much.”

Sehun came close to Baekhyun, kneeled down and pulled him into a tight hug. Baekhyun could feel the warmth of his boyfriend. He closed his eyes, tried not to let his emotional tears fall. 

Sitting next to Baekhyun now, Sehun opened the card and read it attentively. Baekhyun was a magician of language, he never failed to touch his boyfriend with his sincere and beautifully phrased words. He was a writer illustrator, he published proses and poems with his own illustrations. Baekhyun loved writing and painting as he thought they were the art of portraying the reality and building one’s dreams. In Sehun’s eyes, Baekhyun’s existence was already the most aesthetic form of art.

While Sehun was reading, Baekhyun opened the bottle. He was not a fan of sweets, but today was different. Somehow, he was craving for them. He ate them one by one, the little bottle that was originally filled completely in pink gradually became half filled, and in the end only a quarter of them were left. Baekhyun turned his head to look at Sehun again, he petted Sehun’s cheek and said gently, “I love you. I really do.”

Sehun leaned towards Baekhyun and kissed his lovely boyfriend. Baekhyun closed his eyes and enjoyed the contact with the soft lips. The candles on the table were extinguished, the room turned dark, but the couple paid no attention to the surrounding. They were in their own world, kissing, caressing and loving one another. 

✧  
_Summer._

The early summer sun was shining fiercely, Baekhyun took a sip of his iced tea, eyes focused on the screen of his laptop. He just started working on a new prose but the process was not very smooth. Feeling the need of a break, he opened a page that he recently bookmarked and started reading. It was Baekhyun’s habit to do something completely irrelevant in between work to refresh his mind. Writing was a process that involve constant consumption of creativity and brain cells. It was inevitable that writers needed circuit breakers from time to time when they ran short of ideas and inspiration. Baekhyun loved to read poems or draw quick sketches during his breaks, both helped him in reorganising himself and gathering his thoughts. After a 15-minute rest, he decided to resume working. He quickly jotted down 2 words on a memo, _Fata Morgana._

Baekhyun lost count of how long he had been typing, deleting, typing then deleting. He saved the document and closed his eyes for a few seconds. He felt the familiar warm touch on his shoulders, Sehun stood behind him, messaging his stiff shoulder muscles quietly. Baekhyun let out a soft moan, enjoying the relaxing moment. 

_“How’s your progress today, my dear?”_ Sehun asked while he continued applying force on Baekhyun’s shoulders.

“Come and have a look, I just got a few sentences done though.” Baekhyun showed Sehun his draft. “Tell me what do you think about it.”

_너를 그리는 모든 시간들을 다  
All the moments I spend drawing you put together  
모아서 그리움이라고 하나봐  
Must be what they call longing  
너 없이 긴 밤을 버틸 자신이 없어 난  
I don’t think I can make it through a long night without you  
차마 못 지워 남겨둔 걸까 너 하나만  
Was I so unable to make myself erase you?_

_“It’s so sentimental. Longing... the more torturous the process is, the more profound the reunion will be, isn’t it?”_ Sehun placed a kiss on Baekhyun’s forehead. _“If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?”_

“It’s already summertime, silly.” Baekhyun chuckled. “I’m hungry.”

 _“Alright, let’s get changed and get some food outside. Should we ask Soo and Dae to join us?”_

Baekhyun shook his head. “I wanna go on a date with you.” He took out several shirts from the wardrobe and started trying them on one by one. He made up his mind and put on a white shirt with light blue strips and a pair of shorts in navy blue. “I’ll quickly go and let them know we’re going out.”

“Dae, Soo, what are you discussing in secret?” Baekhyun entered the living room and found Jongdae and Kyungsoo murmuring to one another. Probably some gossips, he guessed.

“It’s not something important.” The duo exchanged a quick glance, “have you finished working?”

“Yah, we’re... gonna go out for lunch, will be back before dinner time. See ya.” Baekhyun waved them goodbye and walked towards the front door where Sehun was waiting.

It was probably not a wise idea to leave the apartment at 2pm on such a scorching day. Baekhyun was already sweating hard after being on the road for ten minutes, he secretly praised himself for not forgetting the essential little electric fan. 

“Sehunie, it’s literally 34.5 degrees and you’re not sweating at all. I envy you sooo much. Argh I really can’t stand this weather.” Baekhyun pouted, eyebrows frowned. 

_“Calm down, babe. We will arrive soon.”_ Sehun chuckled at his boyfriend’s complaint. He looked like an annoyed puppy and it was so adorable.

They arrived at a Japanese ramen shop ten minutes later. They were seated at the corner of the shop, next to the open kitchen. This used to be the couple’s favourite place for Japanese cuisine. They hadn’t been there for a while so they decided to have ramen for lunch since both missed its taste.

 _“What do you want this time?”_ Sehun asked when Baekhyun was looking at the menu. 

“It’s so hot today, I need something cold so I’ll have Hiyashi Chuka (cold ramen). What about you? The usual one?” Baekhyun looked up from the menu and asked.

 _“I guess so, you know I am a boring person.”_ Sehun smiled. 

“You’re consistent, I would say, and it’s not a bad thing.” Baekhyun waved his hand and a waiter came to take the order.

“We’d like to have a Hiyashi Chuka, a Tonkotsu ramen (pork broth), and two Asahi Super Dry please.” Baekhyun told the waiter their order item by item. He noticed the waiter paused after entering the first item on his phone. “Should I repeat?” 

“Oh, no it’s fine. A Hiyashi Chuka... a Tonkotsu ramen, and two... two Asahi Super Dry, is that all?” The waiter was confirming the other in a rather hesitant voice. 

“Yes, that’s all. Thanks.” Baekhyun gave him a smile and the waiter returned to the open kitchen.

“I guess he is new. He seems to be little bit confused.” After eyeing the waiter for a moment, Baekhyun concluded that he was probably new to his job.

 _“Yah, probably.”_ Sehun responded. They talked about random things for a while before the food arrived. The same waiter placed the food on the table. He fixed his eyes at Baekhyun all the time. 

_“Can you stop staring at my boyfriend like this?”_ Sehun was obviously annoyed, he glared at the waiter and demanded in a slightly unfriendly way. While Baekhyun was also confused by the waiter’s action, he grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, trying to calm him.

“Is anything wrong?” Baekhyun asked politely, he didn’t want to sound rude but he was really uncomfortable with the way the waiter was looking at him.

“Hmm, no, I’m sorry. Enjoy your meal.” The waiter dashed back into the kitchen, slightly embarrassed.

 _“Is he trying to hit on you right in front of your boyfriend? Seriously?”_ Sehun rolled his eyes. 

“Don’t mind him, let’s eat.” Baekhyun started eating and the rest of the lunch was rather uneventful. The mood was sort of ruined by the strange encounter. Baekhyun noticed the waiter was stealing occasional glances at him, he pretended to be oblivious in order not to trigger Sehun’s anger again.

They didn’t stay long in the shop after finishing the meal. Baekhyun had been quieter than usual after they left. He strolled on the road absentmindedly until he almost hit a lamppost. 

_“Dear, where are you going?”_ Sehun chuckled when he saw the silly thing his boyfriend just did. _“You’ve been quiet since we left the ramen shop, what caused your sudden mood swing?”_

“Well, probably it’s just due to this muggy weather. Come on, let’s go home.” Baekhyun took Sehun’s hand and they started walking back home.

✧  
_Fall._

Baekhyun had been grumbling about the burning sun and stormy weather for over 100 days, finally _Eurus_ was here after _Anemoi_ , bringing along Autumn breeze to blow away the late-Summer storms. 

The lovebirds were shopping inside a department store. It was time to get some new clothes for Fall and Winter. Baekhyun always liked picking matching outfits for Sehun and himself. It was their habit to buy at least one set of couple wear each year.

“Sehunie, which one looks better?” Baekhyun picked two hoodies, one in white and another in light yellow.

 _“Dear, you will look good in white, but you will look perfect in light yellow. Do you know why?”_ Sehun petted his boyfriend’s fluffy hair.

“Ummm, why?” Baekhyun blinked and asked.

 _“Because you are my little sunshine.”_ Sehun chuckled.

“Ooh come on Sehunie, since when you’ve become such cheesy?” Baekhyun was amused by Sehun’s words. Following his boyfriend’s comment, he put the white hoodie back onto the clothes rack. “Let’s pick one for you as well.”

Baekhyun continued to look around indecisively, then finally made up his mind and picked another two hoodies. “Which one do you prefer, grey or blue?” 

_“Whichever you like more, dear, you are my stylist.”_ Sehun smiled when he saw Baekhyun’s eyes wandering back and forth between the two hoodies, unable to make a decision.

“Let’s pick the blue one - because if I am the little sun, you will be my blue sky.” Baekhyun stared at Sehun lovingly. He wasn’t lying at all, he loved his boyfriend so much, he felt like whenever Sehun was around, the sky looked bluer than it used to be.

Pleased with his choice, Baekhyun went straight to the counter to pay. “A light yellow hoodie, M size and a blue hoodie, L size. The two hoodies you picked are in different sizes, is that correct?” The cashier asked.

“That’s correct. One of them is for my boyfriend, he is waiting over there.” Baekhyun smiled and looked at the direction where Sehun was standing. 

The cashier took a quick glance at that direction, then continued putting both hoodies into a shopping bag. “... Ahhh alright, here you go. It’s KRW150,000 in total.” 

The couple left the department store and headed for home. Baekhyun was excited to try on the newly bought outfits so he rushed to his bedroom after quickly greeting Jongdae, who was the only one at home since Kyungsoo was out.

“Let’s try them on.” Baekhyun said eagerly while taking the hoodies out from the shopping bag. Both took off the shirt they were wearing and put the hoodies on. 

“Wow this is so comfortable, the material is very soft. I like it a lot. Sehunie, you look so good in blue.” Baekhyun praised his boyfriend, he couldn’t help but extended both hands, signally Sehun that he needed a hug. 

Sehun came closer and wrapped his hands around Baekhyun’s waist. _“Yes, it’s really comfy hugging you like this. I don’t want to let you go.”_

“But you have to, let me get my lomo camera out and take a few pictures.” Baekhyun giggled and escaped from Sehun’s hug. He found his lomo camera from the drawer.

“Here it is. Let’s take some selcas.” Sehun hugged his boyrfriend tightly from behind, the two posed cutely and took a few selcas. 

It took a while for the images to start appearing on the instant films. Baekhyun was looking at them without even blinking his eyes, anticipating another set of adorable couple selcas to be added to their photo album. 

Minutes passed, the face gradually showed on the films, followed by the body and the background. Baekhyun stared at the polaroids, pouted slightly then put them aside.

 _“What’s wrong?”_ Sehun raised his eyebrows and questioned.

“They just don’t look right. I don’t like them.” Baekhyun took his sketchbook from the desk. “That’s okay, let me draw a colour sketch of us instead.” 

_내 하루가 조금 모자란 듯해  
I feel like there is something missing in my day  
널 완벽하게 그려내기엔  
For me to be able to draw you perfectly, I paint them over and over again_

Baekhyun had drawn portraits of them many times before. He thought sketches and paintings contained different textures than images. While images captured their expression vividly and accurately, sketches and paintings allowed some room for imagination and idealisation. 

He spent slightly over an hour drawing Sehun and himself. They were wearing the light yellow and blue hoodies, Baekhyun was leaning his head on Sehun’s shoulder. He looked relaxed and both were smiling brightly. 

“Here it is! Another snapshot of our memorable moments. I love you.” Baekhyun presented the sketch to Sehun proudly, looking like a puppy waiting for compliment. 

_“I love you more, my talented babe.”_ Sehun leaned towards Baekhyun and kissed him softly. 

_희미한 기억도 사라질까 덧칠해  
Afraid I’ll lose even the slightest memory  
작은 것까지 전부 너니까  
Because every little thing is you_

✧  
_Winter._

The first snow in Seoul fell in mid-November, a few days earlier than the previous year. There was this superstitious belief that if you were with someone you love when the first snow of the year fell, the two of you would be blessed and true love would blossom. 

Baekhyun and Sehun just finished dinner and were having a walk. They looked up at the sky and realised that it started snowing. 

“It’s the first snow of the year, Sehun-ah. It’s stunning.” Baekhyun stretched out his hand and caught a snowflake. He stared at the snowflake, gradually melting, then completely vanished.

 _“Yes, it’s more stunning when we are watching it together. It is... the fifth time, right?”_ Sehun wrapped his hands around Baekhyun’s shoulder, both stood still while appreciating the marvellous view.

“Yah.. the fifth time. Time flies.” He caught another snowflake, then another. The snowflakes kept melting and disappearing on his palm. 

_“It’s getting cold, let’s get home.”_ Sehun smiled and took Baekhyun’s hand, they turned their way and walked back home.

While it seemed romantic walking under the snow, Baekhyun was relieved once he reached home. He was never a fan of coldness, his body was freezing most of the time. He always needed an extra source of heat, sticky heat packs, or Sehun - his personal heat pack. 

“Baek, we are filming birthday wishes for Chanyeol. Do you want to film yours now? Jongdae and I already filmed ours.” Kyungsoo asked when he saw Baekhyun entering the apartment.

“Oh, right Channie’s birthday is coming soon. Sure, give me the camera.” Chanyeol was their friends since college, he went to London to pursue further study in interior design and had recently started his own studio there. Baekhyun took the camera and returned to his bedroom.

“So, let’s wish Channie happy birthday together. I’ll do it first then it’ll be your turn, okay?” Baekhyun finished setting up the camera and asked. Sehun nodded in response. Baekhyun did the countdown gesture, three, two, one...

“Hey, Channie, you’re getting older! We’ve known each other for almost a decade. You know I don’t say this very often, but I am truly grateful to have you, Jongdae and Kyungsoo with me since college. The four of us were so loud and problematic back then but whenever I think about it now, I feel like our youth was well-spent with each other. I treasure the bond between us, even we are miles apart now, I can still feel the connection. It’s thrilling to know that your dream has finally come true after years of hard work. I’m so proud of you, Channie. Your persistence is something I always admire, I knew from the beginning you will do well in every aspect. I hope you will have another fruitful year ahead! Sehun and I wish you a happy birthday, and see you soon in Seoul! Now, Sehunie, would you like to add something?” Baekhyun turned his head to his lover, signalled him to start.

 _“Hyung, I got to know you thanks to Baekkie, you are such a warm-hearted person with positive attitude. I am amazed by your passion and talent for interior design. We don’t see each other often since you moved but we always had good time together whenever you were back. Congratulations on your career milestone! We are proud of you. Happy Birthday, take care and see you soon!”_

They both waved at the camera before pausing the filming. “When will all five of us gather again...? Channie is sometimes foolish, but I kind of miss his senseless talk.” Baekhyun pouted. 

He decided to check the video once before giving it back to Kyungsoo. “Hey, Channie, you’re getting older! We’ve....” The video started playing, Baekhyun focused on the screen, he paused the video, rubbed his eyes and started playing it again.

_널 그리고 너를 새겨넣는 밤  
The nights I draw you and engrave you in my heart  
이걸 다 그리움이라고 하나봐  
Must all be what they call longing  
여전히 아물지 않는 기억을 넘기다  
Paging through the memories yet to heal  
차마 못 지워 남긴 한 사람 널 그리다  
There is one person I’ve been unable to erase, and I draw a portrait of you_

The sketch of them was framed on the wall and their cheerful smiles were seen in the video. Then, out of a clear blue sky, when the birthday wishes were still echoing in the room, Baekhyun started bursting into tears.


	2. I’ll Be There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things often have more than one perspective. 
> 
> I’m not sure if you realised Sehun’s lines in part 1 were written in Italics, you will know why after reading this part. I enjoyed writing these two parts a lot although it is really really sad.
> 
> Please pay attention to the tags, I’ve put the trigger warnings there. I hope you’ll enjoy reading this!

✧  
_나는 잊혀져도 괜찮아  
I don’t mind if I’m forgotten  
작은 점이 돼도 괜찮아  
I don’t mind if I become just a distant place  
우린 이제 없는 거야  
Now there is no “us”  
울지 마 울지 마  
Don’t cry, don’t cry_

You have to live.  
Why?  
To remember.

People said tears are the smallest ocean one can make.

I live, I cry you an ocean.  
I continue living, so that I remember every inch of you.  
I live, I keep my promise, I engrave you in my mind.  
I continue living, so that the memory of you will continue living in my ocean of tears.

_언젠가 우릴 돌아봤을 때  
If someday, when you look back on us  
나라는 기억이 따뜻했다면  
If your memories of me are warm  
그걸로 된 거야  
That’s all that matters_

✧  
_Spring._

Sehun had always been a chocolate lover, he ordered chocolate cake whenever he went on a date with Baekhyun. The sweet and rich choco flavour reminded Baekhyun of their dates. Their first date in a cosy coffee shop, the first time they shared a hot cappuccino, the first time Sehun fed a piece of chocolate truffle cake into his mouth. It was devilishly good, it was the best cake Baekhyun had ever tasted. No matter how many coffee shops they had been to, how many cakes they had shared, that taste still left a lasting impression in Baekhyun’s mind. 

Baekhyun smiled, walked to the other side of the base cabinet and started preparing the filling and ganache. He was humming the melody of his latest favourite song from BOL4, _Leo. I am the cat, you are the butterfly. I look for you, you hide from me. How long have you been hiding your purple wings? How long have we been playing hide-and-seek? When will I finally find you, my butterfly?_

Baekhyun put on his favourite red hoodie after taking a quick bath. The hoodie was a gift from Sehun. Sehun said the colour of passion belonged to Baekhyun so whenever they bought couple outfits, he would pick a bright colour for his boyfriend. They went shopping together often, filling their wardrobe with matching outfits and accessories. Sehun loved to see Baekhyun in red, so more and more red shirts and hoodies were added to his wardrobe from time to time. 

It was time for the final preparation, Baekhyun lit some candles on the dining table and arranged everything nicely - the cake, a bottle of champagne, a watch, hand-written card and a little bottle of pink caplets. He took a seat and lit the candles on the cake.

“Happy Birthday, dear.” Baekhyun whispered. Sehun and he were not fond of huge celebrations. They used to celebrate birthdays, Christmas and anniversaries at home.

“Here is a gift for you. Your favourite watch is repaired.” Baekhyun caressed the surface of the watch gently. There was still a small visible crack on the surface, but the Rolex watch looked new now, at least it didn’t show trace of being smashed onto the ground before. 

_Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Sehunie, happy birthday to you._ Baekhyun sang the Happy Birthday song, voice slightly shaky. He blew out all candles on the cake at once. He divided the cake into four slices and put one in front of the seat opposite to him. He also took one slice of the cake, the rest would be left for his best friends and roommates, Kyungsoo and Jongdae, when they were back later... Baekhyun really hoped they would like it, it may be the last time he baked for his friends after all.

Baekhyun took a bite of the cake, chewing it unhurriedly, allowing his taste buds sufficient time to savour the sweetness. He let out a bitter smile, it was not the same. It didn’t taste like that cake, that devilishly good cake. It didn’t taste like their first date, nothing close. He poured the champagne into two glasses and took a sip.

“Sehun-ah, I love you, so much.” Baekhyun closed his eyes, remembering their first embrace. It happened after their first coffee shop date, when Sehun was accompanying him home. Before they bade farewell, Sehun came close to him and pulled him into a tight hug. The warmth of his boyfriend was branded in Baekhyun’s memory since then. It was so comfortable, so fascinating, it made Baekhyun want to cry just by remembering it.

__

He grabbed the card he wrote a few days ago and started reading it again.

_“Sehun-ah, I believe in magic, magic of words, magic of paintings, magic of art. However, no magical words in this world seem to be adequate to describe how much I love you. I remember the first time we locked eyes on each other in that hot pot place where you mistook me for one of your friend, I remember how you muttered the first ‘I love you’ with a blushed face, I remember how we vowed to love each other forever. I remember everything about you, I remember everything about us._

_It has been a while that I’ve stopped writing. The fountain pen you bought has been locked in my drawer since that day. Yet, I decided to finally pick it up and let my mind speak, for the very last time. You were my beginning, and you will be my end. You wait for me there, and I will come to you._

_먼저 가 있을게 추억 속에  
I’ll be there, in your memories  
잠들어 있을게 니 맘속에  
I’ll lay asleep there in your heart  
촛불 불며 축하한 생일카드 속에도  
In the birthday card you held blowing out candles  
잘 자라 입 맞추던 너의 집 문 앞에도  
And in front of your door where I kissed you good night_

_내가 있을게 늘 곁에서  
I’ll be there, always by your side  
숨 쉬고 있을게 소리 없이  
I’ll be breathing, soundlessly  
추억 끝에 거기서 만나  
Let’s meet at the end of our memories_

_Sehun-ah, I love you. I pour my soul out once again and dedicate this very last prose to you. I can barely survive living in a reality without you, I would rather build a dream where you are part of it._

_Happy birthday. The end of our memories is near, and we shall reunite soon.”_

Baekhyun opened the bottle. _These are just tasteless sweets,_ he told himself. He swallowed the hypnotics one by one. “I love you. I really do.”

Baekhyun closed his eyes and recalled their first kiss. Two pairs of soft lips pressing against each other, they took it slow, savouring the moment. It felt like their world was momentarily paused once their lips connected. Only when the light wind blew around them did they remember that time was in fact elapsing second by second. 

The air in the apartment was still, yet the candles on the table were extinguished eventually and the room turned completely dark. Baekhyun felt light-headed and he lied down on the table, waiting for his long-awaited rescue, finally a sound sleep. 

Some scars would eventually recover over time, but some irrevocable damage done would never ease. The watch was placed at the corner of the table, still and soundless. Despite the surface was repaired to almost perfect state, its hands no longer moved. The time was permanently stopped at _10:37pm, 4 December._

The front door opened, Kyungsoo and Jongdae entered the apartment and turned on the light.

“ _FUCK!_ Baekhyun!!!” Jongdae screamed from the bottom of his lungs when he saw Baekhyun lying on the table, unconscious. “Call the ambulance!!!”

Sitting unrestingly inside the ambulance, both Jongdae and Kyungsoo were panting heavily. “Soo, we shouldn’t leave him alone. Today is... was... Sehun’s birthday.” Jongdae looked at Kyungsoo, eyes full of tears.

“Baekhyun said he was gonna go home and have dinner with his mom. He lied, but we couldn’t challenge him...” Kyungsoo didn’t sound as calm as usual, but he still petted Jongdae’s shoulder as a comforting gesture. “We arrived early enough, he is gonna be fine. Don’t worry too much, we will look after him together. It may take a long while, but he will recover. He will, one day.”

✧  
_Summer._

How long was the road to recovery? Nobody knew. It seemed like everything was back to square one when early summer sun began to shine. Everything seemed normal, at least it seemed. 

They didn’t talk about that night. When Baekhyun finally opened his eyes and woke from his sound sleep, he realised he was lying on the bed in a private ward, he smiled bitterly. It was not, it was not the long-awaited rescue he was looking for, it was not the dream he wanted to build. He was still alive, abandoned, alone, in this desolate reality. 

Then he remembered that night, in another ward, another hospital. It was 4 December, approaching mid-night. It was snowing heavily outside, but the room felt equally cold, Baekhyun was freezing. His body was freezing, while his heart was already frozen to death. 

There was never enough time for farewell. While Baekhyun was still remembering all their first times together, fate cruelly forced him to realise many of those would become their regrettable lasts. 

“You have to live.” Sehun whispered. 

“Why?” Tears rolled from Baekhyun’s eyes non-stop, this was the only word he managed to mumble.

“To remember. Remember me, _remember us._ ” Sehun smiled. His smile was the brightest beam of sunshine, yet it failed to warm Baekhyun’s heart, not this time. 

Baekhyun forgot if those were indeed the last words Sehun told him in the hospital, or it was a conversation happened when he dreamt of his lover at those grievous nights. He was no longer able to draw a line between reality and dream, and it no longer mattered to him. Nothing mattered to him anymore, anyway.

Kyungsoo and Jongdae brought him home after a few days in the hospital. They remained silent about the catastrophe, but they knew very well the aftershock was yet to come. They gave Baekhyun all the attention and care he needed, making their best effort to help their best friend cure his completely ruined soul. They silently agreed that they would not leave Baekhyun alone until his situation improved. They altered their working schedule to ensure at least one of them would be around. Kyungsoo was a freelance editor where Baekhyun was one of his partner and Jongdae was a singer at live house so their job natures, fortunately, made their working arrangement more flexible. 

How long was the road to recovery? Nobody knew. Percy Bysshe Sehlley wrote, _if Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?_ Life was supposed to be a cycle of births and deaths, but when it hit you hard all of a sudden, who could be certain when the winter snow would stop falling?

Baekhyun took a sip of his iced tea, eyes focused on the screen of his laptop. Since he returned home, he spent most of the time indoor, writing. He spent days and nights in front of the screen, typing, deleting, typing, deleting. He felt like all his inspiration had shrivelled. His words used to play magic, now they did nothing but to torture him. Opening a page that he recently bookmarked, he started reading a poem:

> _......_
> 
> _I approach and ye vanish away,  
>  I grasp you, and ye are gone;  
>  But ever by night and by day,  
>  The melody soundeth on._
> 
> _As the weary traveler sees  
>  In desert or prairie vast,  
>  Blue lakes, overhung with trees  
>  That a pleasant shadow cast;_
> 
> _......_
> 
> _So I wander and wander along,  
>  And forever before me gleams  
>  The shining city of song,  
>  In the beautiful land of dreams._
> 
> _But when I would enter the gate  
>  Of that golden atmosphere,  
>  It is gone, and I wonder and wait  
>  For the vision to reappear._
> 
> _\- Fata Morgana, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1873)_

Baekhyun quickly jotted down 2 words on his memo, _Fata Morgana. Something illusional, something unapproachable, like mirage, like you._

 _You._ The thought of Sehun came into Baekhyun’s mind for the millionth time. He didn’t change anything in their bedroom, he refused Kyungsoo’s renovation request and Jongdae’s subtle suggestion of moving apartment. This apartment reminded Baekhyun of his beloved, this bedroom smelt of him, this double bed used to be warm when he was still here. He felt like Sehun was still with him as long as he kept everything at its original state, it gave him comfort in the most pathetic way.

Baekhyun closed his eyes, feeling the warm touch of Sehun on his shoulders. Sehun liked to massage him whenever he was tired. He always reminded Baekhyun to take a break and not to overwork. He would come to their bedroom with sliced fruits, making sure Baekhyun had sufficient vitamin intake. Baekhyun used to have all of these, all, before they vanished. 

Taking a deep breath and opening his eyes, Baekhyun saw Sehun sitting behind him, smiling. His smile was as soft as always, this Sehun looked so real, so vivid, so _alive._ He was way too real that made Baekhyun forget for a moment his lover was gone.

“Come and have a look, I just got a few sentences done though. Tell me what do you think about it.” Just like what they had done before, Sehun was always the first one to look at Baekhyun’s draft and provide his comment. 

The only difference this time was, of course, the comment didn’t come, the room was filled with silence. _Sehun would think these lines are too sentimental, he probably won’t like it._ When you had been in love with someone for so long, you could easily guess their mind before they answered to this sort of trivial question.

Meanwhile, Kyungsoo and Jongdae were sitting on the couch in the living room, looking at each other. “Soo, do you think he is talking to himself again? He has been like this since... you know. Should we talk to him?” Jongdae whispered worriedly.

“I don’t think it is a good idea to do it now. I mean, he sounds like he is talking to someone else... probably Sehun. He is still emotionally unstable, I think we should stay put for a while and see how things go.”

“Dae, Soo, what are you discussing in secret?” Baekhyun entered the living room and spotted the two talking to each other in low voice.

“It’s not something important.” The duo exchanged a quick glance, “you finished working?”

“Yah, we’re... I’m gonna go out for lunch, will be back before dinner time. See ya.” Baekhyun waved them goodbye and left the apartment. The two decided not to question or follow Baekhyun, he probably needed some fresh air.

That Japanese ramen shop looked exactly the same as before, it was their favourite place for Japanese cuisine.

“It’s so hot today, I need something cold so I’ll have Hiyashi Chuka. What about you? The usual one?” Baekhyun looked up from the menu and asked.

Sehun loved Tonkotsu ramen, he ordered it every time. _I’m consistent with my choice of ramen, just like I’m loyal to my choice of love._ Sehun once joked. 

“You’re consistent, I would say, and it’s not a bad thing.” Baekhyun waved his hand and a waiter came to take the order.

“We’d like to have a Hiyashi Chuka, a Tonkotsu ramen, and two Asahi Super Dry please.” Baekhyun told the waiter their order item by item. He noticed the waiter paused after entering the first item on his phone. “Should I repeat?” 

We? The waiter was confused. “Oh, no it’s fine. A Hiyashi Chuka... a Tonkotsu ramen, and two... two Asahi Super Dry, is that all?” The waiter was confirming the other in a rather hesitant voice. 

“Yes, that’s all. Thanks.” Baekhyun gave him a smile and the waiter returned to the open kitchen.

“That cute guy is so weird. He is here alone but he ordered two ramens and two beers.” The waiter discussed with his co-worker after placing the order. 

“Didn’t you see he was murmuring something when he was looking at the menu? It looks like he’s talking to himself, that’s kind of creepy. Maybe something dreadful happened to him, or maybe he’s just stressed, you know, life could be tough.” His co-worker shrugged his shoulder and continued cleaning the table.

“That’s unfortunate. He is still young and he looks so adorable when he smiles.” The waiter sighed.

When the food was ready and the waiter placed them on their table, he still couldn’t keep his eyes off Baekhyun. His pretty droopy eyes were cute, but lost. His little smiling mouth was cute, but miserable. His entire presence was cute, but dispirited.

Baekhyun suddenly set his hand down on the table, clenching his fists. He looked up, made direct eye contact with the waiter and asked, “is anything wrong?”

“Hmm, no, I’m sorry. Enjoy your meal.” The waiter dashed back into the kitchen, slightly embarrassed.

Baekhyun noticed the waiter was stealing occasional glances at him, he pretended to be oblivious about that. He finished his cold ramen in silence, head full of scattered thoughts. He wondered why the Tonkotsu ramen remained untouched, he raised his head and was about to question, but he managed to keep his mouth shut when his gaze penetrated through Sehun’s transparent body and ultimately reached the concrete wall. Baekhyun sighed frustratedly upon realisation that Sehun was no longer there with him, he waved his hand and asked for the bill. 

_Sehun used to love this dish so much, he used to love this place so much, he used to love me so much..._ Melancholic thoughts hit Baekhyun in a sudden wave, he was struggling in the middle of a boundless ocean, about to drown at any moment and yet, nobody was there to give him a hand. Nobody.

Tears started to fall without Baekhyun even noticing, they spilt onto his pants silently. When the waiter placed the bill on the table, Baekhyun looked up and meet his gaze with his face covered in tears. He immediately wiped them away and took out some notes from his wallet.

 _Are you okay?_ The waiter wanted to ask, but he didn’t. “Would you perhaps like to pack that as a takeaway?” He pointed at the untouched ramen.

“It’s getting cold already and the ramen is soaked. If the timing is not right, the taste won’t be right neither, isn’t it? Just leave it, it’s... _too late._ ” Baekhyun said faintly. “I can take the beer though.”

“Sure, here’s the change. Have a nice day and... hope to see you again.” The waiter looked at Baekhyun, who gave him a pale smile before leaving the shop.

✧  
_Fall._

Hours turned into days, days into weeks, weeks into months. Several weekends by the seaside, a few nights of heavy thunderstorms, countless insufferably hot days, while people were busy continuing their lives, Summer turned into Fall.

It had been five months since that day. Baekhyun dreamt of Sehun almost every night. The handsome face in his dream constantly reminded and encouraged him to live, to remember.

_“You have to live.”  
“Why?”  
“To remember. Remember me, remember us.”_

Baekhyun often woke up in tears, without knowing why he was crying. He just knew that it was another day, just another day which he had to live, to remember. Sometimes he thought if he worked hard enough, if he made his effort to live the same way as they used to live before, he would be able to keep Sehun by his side, he would not feel lonely, abandoned, unloved. 

It took a short while for the tears to dry, Baekhyun looked around his room and murmured, “Sehunie, are you here?”

Couldn’t withstand staying in his bedroom, Baekhyun decided to visit the department store to buy some clothes for Fall and Winter. It was the couple’s habit to buy at least one set of couple wear each year. It may not be entirely the same this year, though.

“Sehunie, which one looks better?” Baekhyun picked two hoodies, one in white and another in light yellow. The moment he looked up, he saw a beam of sunshine penetrating the window glass of the store. It seemed like Sehun was whispering in his ears, _yellow, because you are my little sunshine._

“Ooh come on Sehunie, since when you’ve become such cheesy? Let’s pick one for you as well.” Baekhyun continued to look around indecisively, then finally made up his mind and picked another two hoodies. “Which one do you prefer, grey or blue?” 

Sehun usually let Baekhyun decide on their outfits. Whenever they went on dates, Baekhyun was their stylist, he always came up with good suggestions of matching outfits, complementing one another without dressing up like identical twins.

“Let’s pick the blue one - because if I am the little sun, you will be my blue sky.” The clear sky outside caught Baekhyun’s attention, he was temporarily lost in memory lane. _The sky used to be bluer in the past, wasn’t it?_ It took him a few minutes to collect his thought, he put the grey hoodie down. _The sky looks much better in blue than in grey, Sehun-ah, you will agree with me, right?_ Baekhyun thought, he knew Sehun would be nodding his head. 

“A light yellow hoodie, M size and a blue hoodie, L size. The two hoodies you picked are in different sizes, is that correct?” The cashier asked.

“That’s correct. One of them is for my boyfriend, he is waiting over there.” Baekhyun smiled and looked at the direction of the entrance. 

The cashier took a quick glance at that direction, there was just a lady standing there, holding a baby. She didn’t see any young guy who could possibly be Baekhyun’s boyfriend. Without saying anything, she continued putting both hoodies into a shopping bag. “... Ahhh alright, here you go. It’s KRW150,000 in total.” 

Baekhyun paid for the clothes and left the store. The cashier whispered to her colleague, “that young man must be joking, he was looking at the air, smiling and murmuring when he was picking clothes. He said his boyfriend was waiting at the front door, but there wasn’t even a man standing there.”

“He must be having hallucinations... maybe he is ill.” Her colleague responded flatly, she didn’t seem surprised.

“That’s scary. Luckily he didn’t come during rush hour, or else he would probably scare other customers away. I hope we won’t see him again.” 

Baekhyun arrived home and he rushed to his bedroom after quickly greeting Jongdae. “Let’s try them on.” Baekhyun said eagerly while taking the hoodies out from the shopping bag. “Wow this is so comfortable, the material is very soft. I like it a lot. Sehunie, you look so good in blue.” With his perfect body, Sehun would look good in any clothes. Baekhyun extended both hands. He was expecting a warm and tight hug from his lover, he was expecting some sort of comfort and affection, or maybe he was simply expecting any evidence of Sehun’s existence. 

They had always been a clingy couple. They could hug each other for a long while, not willing to let the other go. “Let me get my lomo camera out and take a few pictures.” Baekhyun giggled and went away to get his lomo camera from the drawer.

“Here it is. Let’s take some selcas.” It took a while for the images to start appearing on the instant films. Baekhyun stared at the polaroids, pouted slightly then put them aside. _It shouldn’t look like this. No. He was grinning on the photo. Only him._

“They just don’t look right. I don’t like them.” Baekhyun took his sketchbook from the desk. “That’s okay, let me draw a colour sketch of us instead.” 

When images failed to capture what was in Baekhyun’s mind, he started to find his rescue via painting. He drew a sketch of himself leaning on Sehun’s shoulder, both smiling brightly in their couple outfits. 

_I continue painting, so that the portrait of us will continue smiling even if reality erodes us._

“Here it is! Another snapshot of our memorable moments. I love you.” Baekhyun presented the sketch proudly.

_I love you. Sehun-ah._

Baekhyun stared at the few polaroids again. His typical rectangular smiling face was captured, he looked rather cute with his light yellow hoodie, then there was emptiness occupying the other half of the photo. 

_Is this really me? Why am I smiling when Sehun isn’t here? Why isn’t he here? Sehun was... standing next to me when we took the selcas. Why did the polaroids lie?_

Panting heavily, Baekhyun grabbed the polaroids tightly in his fist and screwed them up. Tears started to fall from his eyes. _Why did they lie? Why did you lie?_

“Why???!!!” He screamed loudly and smashed the lomo camera onto the ground. Jongdae heard the noise and rushed to Baekhyun’s room immediately, only to see his best friend curling up on the ground, weeping.

“Baek, what happened?” Jongdae embraced Baekhyun, he asked anxiously while stroking Baekhyun’s back to comfort him.

“He is here, but I can’t see him in the polaroids. The photos are lying. He is lying.” Baekhyun mumbled in a barely audible voice, still trembling.

“What do you mean by... he?” Jongdae already expected a certain answer, he was just waiting for Baekhyun to confirm his suspicion.

“Sehunie... he said... if I continue living, I will remember. As long as I remember, he will stay with me. He won’t leave me alone.” Baekhyun lied on Jongdae’s shoulder and sobbed exhaustedly.

“Baek, can you... see him right now?” Jongdae asked cautiously, he didn’t want to make his best friend feel worse.

“He’s... not here.” Baekhyun’s face was so pale that made Jongdae heart-broken. “Dae, I need to... I need to use every possible method, to keep reminding myself, to remember him. I can’t... I just can’t live without him. I can’t afford losing him _again_ , I can’t afford losing him _forever_.” Baekhyun was on the edge of collapsing. Jongdae petted Baekhyun’s hair and continued hugging him.

“Losing him _again_... Baek, that means you do know, that Sehun, the _real_ Sehun, is gone, don’t you?” Jongdae said in a soft voice. “Sehun loves you so much, he is living in your heart and will never leave you alone, but in order to feel his presence and his love, you have to stop pushing yourself too hard.”

Baekhyun looked so disoriented, he stared at Jongdae with his red and teary eyes. _Stop pushing myself too hard, how?_

“I... really don’t know... what to do.” He sighed, trying to catch his breath.

“Don’t think about it now, you need some rest. Go and take a hot bath first. Let’s sleep in my room tonight, I’ll let you cuddle with me exceptionally.” Jongdae gave his best friend another tight hug, then he pulled Baekhyun up from the ground and led him towards the bathroom.

While Baekhyun was taking a bath, Jongdae took out his phone and called his other best friend. “Kyungsoo, we need to talk, about Baekhyun.” 

✧  
_Winter._

After the long talk Kyungsoo and Jongdae had in Fall, they started contacting acquaintances who specialised in related field. They managed to get in touch with one of their senior in university, Kim Junmyeon, who was a psychotherapist. Upon having a brief conversation with Junmyeon, he concluded there was a possibility that Baekhyun was showing symptoms of _Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder._

“It’s too early to draw conclusion, I need to have an in-depth diagnosis with him. But I have to warn you, there are a few things you need to make sure first. Is he aware that he is experiencing something abnormal and if the answer is affirmative, is he mentally prepared to receive treatment. The answer to the second question is crucial because once he decides to start the treatment and assume everything goes smooth, he will eventually forego what he is experiencing now, which may somehow be his major source of comfort during this arduous time. Whether people are aware of the issue is a question, whether they are ready to get cured or not, is another. You have to understand, it takes tonnes of courage to let go, and if he is not mentally prepared for that, no one can force him.” 

The two were debating if they should open up and discuss this with Baekhyun honestly. On one hand, Baekhyun didn’t show any drastic mood swing since that night while on the other hand, he was still a time bomb that may explode anytime. Jongdae and Kyungsoo never let their guard down since April, and it had been over half a year. It was approaching a bottleneck for them, the more they loved their friend, the more distressing the whole situation was to them.

“What about, we continue to monitor him and if nothing happens, we bring this up in December... you know... that’s the time when Sehun will be gone for one year?” Jongdae sighed. “I think we need to do something, regardless how difficult the conversation may be.”

“You’re right. This has been dragging for a while, it didn’t get worse, but it didn’t get better neither. We should do something.” Kyungsoo agreed.

Winter came earlier than usual. Snow started to fall in mid-November. The first snow always had a special weight in people’s heart, it brought luck and blessed relationships. Baekhyun looked up at the sky and realised that it started snowing. 

_기댈 곳 없이 혼자 걷다가  
When you’re walking alone, with no one to lean on_

“It’s the first snow of the year, Sehun-ah. It’s stunning.” Baekhyun stretched out his hand and caught a snowflake. He stared at the snowflake, gradually melting, then completely vanished.

_감당 못할 만큼 눈물이 날 땐  
And so many tears are falling you can’t take it_

_Good things, pretty things, precious things, they don’t last, they never last._ Baekhyun sighed. The view was magnificent, he drifted into his nostalgic thought, recalling how they were always besides each other when the first snow of the year fell. Baekhyun counted the time they had witnessed the first snow. _One, Two, Three, Four._

“Yah.. the fifth time. Time flies.” He caught another snowflake, then another. The snowflakes kept melting and disappearing on his palm. It was supposed to be the fifth time, only if Sehun was still here. 

_두 눈을 감아 봐  
Close your eyes_

_Sehun-ah, it’s so cold here, my whole body is freezing. Are you gonna hold my hand?_ The coldness was unbearable, so he turned his way and returned home.

“Baek, we are filming birthday wishes for Chanyeol. Do you want to film yours now? Jongdae and I already filmed ours.” Kyungsoo asked when he saw Baekhyun entering the apartment.

“Oh, right Channie’s birthday is coming soon. Sure, give me the camera.” Baekhyun took the camera and returned to his bedroom.

“So, let’s wish Channie happy birthday together. I’ll do it first then it’ll be your turn, okay?” Baekhyun finished setting up the camera and started counting down, three, two, one... 

Then he started the video by teasing Chanyeol getting older, he talked about the decade-long friendship of the four, he complimented Chanyeol’s success on his career, he wished him all the best, he said he looked forward to seeing him soon in Seoul. He waved his hand and concluded the video.

“When will all five of us gather again...? Channie is sometimes foolish, but I kind of miss his senseless talk.” Baekhyun pouted. 

He decided to check the video once before giving the camera back to Kyungsoo. _“Hey, Channie, you’re getting older! We’ve...”_ The video started playing, Baekhyun focused on the screen, he paused the video, rubbed his eyes and started playing it again.

_“...... I hope you will have another fruitful year ahead! Sehun and I wish you a happy birthday, and see you soon in Seoul! Now, Sehunie, would you like to add something?” Baekhyun turned his head and asked._

All he got was silence. 

Baekhyun pressed the replay button.

_“...... Sehun and I wish you a happy birthday, and see you soon in Seoul! Now, Sehunie, would you like to add something?” Baekhyun turned his head and asked._

There was nobody sitting next to him, just empty space with the sketch of them hanging on the wall.

He pressed the replay button the second time.

_“...... Now, Sehunie, would you like to add something?” Baekhyun turned his head and asked._

Then, out of a clear blue sky, Baekhyun started bursting into tears. 

Those were tears of despair, those were also tears of awakening. 

There was no Sehunie anymore.

_근데 나 너무나 보고 싶다  
But I miss you so, so much_

There would never be another gathering of the five, because Sehun was gone.

_안될 걸 알지만 보고 싶다  
I know it can’t happen, but I want to see you_

There would never be another couple selca with two bright smiles, because Sehun was gone.

_사랑을 추억으로 망쳐놔서 미안해  
Sorry for ruining our love with memories_

There would never be another ramen date, because Sehun was gone.

_다시는 볼 수 없게 이별이 돼 미안해  
I’m sorry we parted so we would never meet again_

There would never be another birthday celebration on 12 April, because Sehun was gone.

_지키지 못한 그 약속들은  
I probably won’t ever be able to forget_

The time was permanently stopped at _10:37pm, 4 December._

_아마 난 영원히 못 잊을 거야  
All of the promises I couldn’t keep_

He was not here anymore. 

_먼저 가 있을게  
I’ll be there_

Baekhyun didn’t know how long he had been crying, he screeched until he was tearless, he trembled until he had no energy left. 

_Sehun-ah, I kept my promise. I tried, I tried so hard everyday, to live my life, to remember you. I forced myself to replay all our memory in my mind over and over, just to ensure there won’t be any chance of forgetting anything about you. I tried, I tried till I almost suffocate myself. I tried, I tried till I forget I am actually still alive._

_Will you forgive me, if I tell you I am no longer able to go on like this?_

Baekhyun came plodding to Kyungsoo’s bedroom. He stared at Kyungsoo with his reddish eyes, face full of tears. Kyungsoo’s eyes widened and he immediately yelled, “Dae, come here right now!!!”

Baekhyun collapsed into Kyungsoo’s embrace, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Jongdae rushed into Kyungsoo’s room and was flummoxed by Baekhyun’s crestfallen look. He hugged the two immediately and stroked Baekhyun’s back to calm him down. 

“Take a deep breath, then tell us whatever you want to.” Kyungsoo said gently.

“I’m exhausted... I feel like... I am dying.” Baekhyun leaned his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, completely worn-out, and responded in a powerless voice.

Hearing Baekhyun’s confession, after these long months, made the two emotional. It was the first time Baekhyun opened up and admitted his Achilles heel. Jongdae secretly wiped his tears away.

“Baek, we know you have been through a tremendously tough time. We are always here for you, you can share with us about anything.” Kyungsoo went to the kitchen to get some water for all of them, Jongdae and Baekhyun sat on Kyungsoo’s bed and started talking.

“I don’t want to forget about Sehun... I feel like he is still with me, often I even can see him right next to me... I want him to stay here, besides me, forever... But...” Baekhyun paused momentarily, still sobbing. Kyungsoo entered the room and passed each of them a glass of warm water.

“But, you are not sure about that?” Jongdae asked.

“Part of me doesn’t want him to leave me, but another part of me knows very well he is not _my_ Sehun... he is just a Sehun I created out of nowhere... I’ve known the fact since months, I just refused to accept it... Denial pushed me into a dead corner, this burdensome routine is suffocating...” Baekhyun started crying out loud again, Jongdae sighed and tightened his hug.

“Help me...” The two were shedding tears together with Baekhyun. They had been waiting for this for months, they felt bad for Baekhyun, but that the same time they were relieved that Baekhyun finally sought help from them, after all these months. 

“We will. We are with you no matter what happens. Let’s talk about it tomorrow, three of us are gonna have a good sleep at Kyungsoo’s king-sized bed tonight first, alright? Now come and cuddle with me.” Jongdae tucked Baekhyun into the bed first, he and Kyungsoo slept at either side of him.

It was indeed the first time in a long while that Baekhyun had a sound sleep, cuddled by his best friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really loved these two parts so much, I spent quite a lot of time planning and writing it. Since mental health issue is rather sensitive and I’m not a psychotherapist, I read articles before deciding to write this story, here are a few links if you are interested:
> 
> https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/get-hardy/201309/about-complicated-bereavement-disorder-0
> 
> https://www.theravive.com/therapedia/persistent-complex-bereavement-disorder-dsm--5
> 
> Also, this explains why the story is called Fata Morgana:
> 
> https://poemanalysis.com/henry-wadsworth-longfellow/fata-morgana/
> 
> Happy Reading!


	3. Beautiful Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s walk this road to recovery together with Baekhyun, shall we? :)

✧  
_다시 시간을 되돌려 처음 만난다면  
If you turn back time to when we first met  
가로등 옆에 서 있지 말아요  
Don’t stand there underneath the streetlight  
미소 짓지도 왼손으로 머릴 넘기지 마요  
Don’t smile and don’t push your hair back like that  
그래야 내가 그대를 지나칠 테니까  
So that I can just pass you by_

✧  
_“Help me...”  
“We will.”_

Three of them sat on the couch, the living room was filled with a heart-breaking silence. They used to spend their Saturday nights sitting on the couch together, watching movies, playing video games, eating fried chickens and drinking beers. Baekhyun would mess up the food on the coffee table, earning a murderous stare from Kyungsoo, who was always the only sober one to do all the clean-up. He would get drunk after a bottle of beer and start cuddling Jongdae. Jongdae, being tightly wrapped by a koala-like Baekhyun, would whine and try to push him away at the same time taking embarrassing photos of his best friend, his loud voice would earn him another murderous stare from Kyungsoo. When the two babies finally fell asleep on the couch, Kyungsoo would look at his childish friends, let out an amused chuckle, then continue enjoying his late-night snack and the unfinished movie on his own. 

When was the last time they had such a jolly time together? All the laughters and liveliness seemed so faraway, so vague, so unreachable. It was just one year apart, time passed in the blink of an eye, flowers on their balcony wilted, colours on Baekhyun’s painting faded. It was just another winter, another winter without _him_.

Kyungsoo took a deep breath, he held Baekhyun’s hand and said, “Baek, we have something to discuss with you, but we don’t want to make you uncomfortable. You know we always love you, right?” Baekhyun nodded.

“Then, we will start. If you think that’s too much for you, or if you have anything to say, please do so. We are not trying to invalidate your emotions or feelings, but we want to tell you, how we feel, as your friends.” Kyungsoo continued while exchanging a quick glance with Jongdae.

“We are really sorry that we are not able to help you much.” Jongdae started apologetically. “We know how much you have been through last year, we witnessed them all. Our heart almost stopped beating when we were inside the ambulance. You said you can’t afford losing him, but Baek, we can’t afford losing you, neither. No matter what happens, you still have us. We know it takes time to heal, so we decided to let you take your time. You are the owner of your heart, we have no rights to interfere you. I’m sorry... that things turned out to be more sophisticated than I thought.” 

“Dae, I don’t think I will still be alive if you two are not here for me... honestly. You know why I didn’t just buy another bottle of pills and do it once again? I saw the sorrow and hopelessness on Kyungsoo’s and your face... I can’t explain why, but by that time I know that calling an end to my life should never be an option. I may still be madly in love with Sehun, I may never be happy as before, but my last bit of rationality pulled me back to life, at least, physically living.” Baekhyun smiled weakly, his tone slightly less tense than before. 

Baekhyun just started to realise how much the words _“help me”_ could do to him.

“We know you are trying hard to endure the grief from your devastating loss. We want to be with you and help you, however we can’t just force you into anything. We have been waiting, all these months, for these two simple words from you. Soo and I are willing to do whatever we can, just to make you feel more at ease. Do you trust us, Baek, and are you ready to take one step further?” Jongdae asked softly. 

“Yes... I think, _yes._ ” Baekhyun replied rather calmly. The problem had been incubating for months, perhaps, perhaps it was finally the time to face it.

“Thank you... Baek.” Tears started to fall from Jongdae’s eyes. “We love you.” He and Kyungsoo wrapped their arms around Baekhyun. 

“I love you too.” Baekhyun closed his eyes, feeling safe surrounded by the long-forgotten warmth and comfort from his best friends. 

He finally realised, maybe this was the rescue he had been looking for.

_If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?_

✧  
They made an appointment with Junmyeon the following week. The three of them were at the waiting room outside Junmyeon’s clinic. Baekhyun was feeling nervous, hands slightly trembling. Kyungsoo placed his hand on top of Baekhyun’s, “it’s gonna be fine. We have met Dr Kim a few times, he is kind and reliable. Just relax, we will be waiting here.” Baekhyun nodded and tried to regulate his breath before entering Junmyeon’s room. 

“Baekhyun? Please come and have a seat. I’m Kim Junmyeon.” Junmyeon was sitting on the L-shaped couch and he signalled Baekhyun to sit on the other side.

“Hi, Dr Kim, I’m Byun Baekhyun - although you already knew.” Baekhyun responded with a slight smile, he put down his backpack and took a seat.

“Right, Baekhyun-ah, before we officially start, I would like you to listen to my following words first. When we are having conversation, try to ignore the identity, the label, and focus on the content, on yourself. I am just a listener, and you, are the storyteller. You can do it in any way you want, you take the lead, set your own pace, make yourself comfortable. We are here to understand your stories, uncover hidden emotions and discover new perspectives together. We can take things slow, alright?” Junmyeon’s voice was soothing yet firm, he was so gentle and indeed gave people a reliable impression.

“Okay.” Baekhyun was still little bit worried, unsure if he would be able to tell his story without collapsing.

“Jongdae told me you guys met at college, right? Perhaps you can talk about how you met them?” 

“Yah, Jongdae was my roommate since freshman year. He can be loud sometimes, but he is also soft and considerate. The more you get to know him, the more you will fall for his personality. He is so kind-hearted and we became close really fast.” Baekhyun started talking about his friends, memories from college kept flashing back. “Kyungsoo and I both studied Modern Literature and Culture in college. I was startled by his poker face at the beginning, but we got to know each other after being paired up for a project. He is very logical, the smart thinker type in a group. Usually he is quiet but once he trusts someone, he can be talkative as well. Thanks to Kyungsoo, we also became close with his roommate, Chanyeol, who studied Art and Design. He is funny and energetic, a simple-minded and passionate person. We all have different personalities, but we get along really well. Four of us have been close since then.”

“Having a few confidants which you can maintain close relationship for years is such a precious asset in your life. They must love you a lot too.” Junmyeon gave Baekhyun a reassuring smile. He started with the most general topics, in order to make headway, he needed to get past Baekhyun’s defense first, and no one could be certain how long this process would take.

“Yah, they are indeed the most valuable gift I got from college. We went through many peaks and troughs together, we witnessed each other’s growth and transformation from adolescence to adulthood. We stood by one another when Chanyeol confessed and got rejected by a girl he really liked, when Jongdae lost the singing competition which he had prepared for months, when Kyungsoo failed to get the summer internship from his dream company, when one of my close relative passed away... the bond between us went beyond friendship long time ago. They are my family, the ones that I treasure a lot.” 

They talked about Baekhyun’s college life and his friends for the entire session. Junmyeon was listening most of the time, asking follow-up questions to continue the dialogue without digging in too deep. Contrast to what Baekhyun had expected, they didn’t have any difficult conversation at all. Instead, he spent fifty minutes walking down his memory lane, reminiscing on his pleasant past.

“Thanks for your sharing, Baekhyun. It’s good to know a bit more about the people around you. We will continue and talk more next week. I hope you’ll have a nice week ahead.” Junmyeon shook Baekhyun’s hand.

“Have a nice week too, Dr Kim.” Baekhyun waved him goodbye and left the room.

It took them three more sessions before Sehun’s name was being brought into the conversation finally. Junmyeon asked Baekhyun about his childhood, his family, his career, his dream, his mottos etc. Whenever a question was raised, Junmyeon was calibrating how close he was to Baekhyun’s sensitive territory, the hidden wound that was yet to be uncovered.

Unlike most of Junmyeon’s other patients, Baekhyun was quite willing to share his life, partly because he used to be a bright person and he lived a content life before Sehun was gone, partly because he was fond of Junmyeon’s attentiveness and sincerity. Although a psychotherapist was not supposed to be too involved and personal during the session, Junmyeon would add some thoughts from time to time, which definitely helped to develop mutual trust between the two. He was grateful that somehow Baekhyun was comfortable with him, he was logical and expressive. Most importantly, he was open to share his inner thoughts, which made the conversation less challenging. 

“You just mentioned your motto is _‘Let’s live while doing things we like’_ , could you tell me more about it?” Junmyeon looked that his note and asked.

“Well...” Baekhyun paused for a few seconds. “Actually, it is not _my_ life motto. It is... it was Sehun’s, my lover’s, but I completely agree to it.” The bitterness in his eyes was evident, it was the first time since the first session he mentioned Sehun’s name. His heart still ached when he mumbled his lover’s name, but he managed to say it without trembling.

“It sounds like he used to be strong-willed and pretty passionate about the things he liked?” Junmyeon had been waiting for Baekhyun to bring his lover up. He needed to make sure he broke the wall between the two of them before going into details of Baekhyun’s boyfriend, the reason why Baekhyun was here.

Baekhyun took a deep breath and started talking about Sehun, how they met each other, how they fell in love, how Sehun loved dancing and became a choreographer, how he supported Baekhyun on pursuing his career as a writer and illustrator, how things had been perfect between them and ultimately, how things broke apart in the end.

Before Baekhyun even realised, he had used up half a box of the tissue paper Junmyeon passed him. He was crying his heart out, venting his pent-up sorrow and frustration. He covered his face with his hands, his fatigue body was shaking. The sweeter the memories were, the more they hurt. He had been imprisoned by their sweet-coated memories, replaying all of them in his mind was tearing his heart apart again and again. He had been doing the same for one whole year, he had hurt himself repeatedly, his soul was bleeding non-stop, barely surviving this crippling attack.

This was the first time somebody told him, “Baekhyun-ah, if the memories weigh too heavily on you, it’s alright to put them aside and take care of your emotions and feelings first. It’s alright to cry.” Junmyeon got Baekhyun a glass of hot water, he sat still and waited in silence. It was part of the therapist’s job, to listen, to wait, to watch the patient grieve. 

“Try to inhale and exhale... slowly. Repeat until the suffocating feeling is eased.” After a while, Baekhyun took a few deep long breath, calming himself from intensive crying. 

“How do you feel?” Junmyeon asked. 

“I don’t know... I... Why does it hurt like this...? I love Sehun so much, yet remembering all those happy memory is so painful... it’s like getting stabbed in the heart over and over. I don’t know how to live without Sehun, but I don’t know how to live with this heartache neither... I can’t...” Baekhyun sounded so vulnerable, as if he would collapse anytime.

“Baekhyun, look, you told me you love Japanese culture therefore you spent years learning Japanese since high school, right? You weren’t fluent from day one, you learnt it bit by bit. First you started with the pronunciation, then it came the basic sentence structure. After a while, you could understand simple dialogues and could read short passages. By completing a few more courses, you managed to write compositions and even started to understand Japanese dramas. It took you years to master one foreign language, what have you done? You took one step at a time, step by step, until you achieve your goal. Life is like this, we are taking steps, we are learning everyday. You may not know or understand certain things for now, but that’s okay, because as long as you are taking your steps one by one, you will find your way eventually. We will figure this out together, alright?” Junmyeon spoke tenderly while looking at Baekhyun. Baekhyun didn’t say anything, but he nodded in response. 

“I think we shouldn’t go too far today. You have done a marvellous job in helping me understand you more. Next time, if you are comfortable with it, we can start digging into, _your feelings_. I will see you next week.” Junmyeon walked towards Baekhyun, gave him a hug and escorted him to the door.

✧  
_“So you’re trying to forget me? You don’t love me anymore? How could you do that to me?”_ Sehun looked outrageous, he groaned while throttling Baekhyun who was lying on bed.

“No... It’s not like that...” Helpless tears ran down Baekhyun’s cheeks like a torrent, he didn’t even have the power to defend himself. He felt light-headed, he couldn’t breath, he was going to die. 

Then he woke up, face soaked in tears, coughing and sweating. Panting heavily, he tried to catch his breath after a terrifying nightmare where Sehun looked completely out of mind and was trying to strangle him. He used his arms to support the body and sat up straight, he let his tears spilling onto his blanket. His shaky body was engulfed in darkness, he wanted to scream, but he was too worn-out. His blurred vision lingered on the sketch on the wall, again, gaze fixed on the two smiles sparkling under the dim moonlight.

 _“I thought you said you love me and you will remember us no matter what happens.”_ Sehun was sitting on the bed, looking into Baekhyun’s eyes with a disappointed expression, he spoke in such a stern voice that sounded like a complete stranger to Baekhyun, _“but you broke your promise, and you broke my heart.”_

“No... Sehun... no... I love you...” Baekhyun wanted to lean forward and grab Sehun’s hand, but he lacked the power to do so. He just clenched his fists and sobbed with all remaining energy he had.

 _“You are seeking somebody’s help to get rid of me, to take me away from your life. Is this how you love me, by erasing and forgetting me forever?”_ Sehun raised his voice, apparently failing to suppress his anger, and questioned coldly, _“do you, do you love me at all?”_

Baekhyun closed his eyes, trying to swallow this excruciating pain. He felt like his heart was being stabbed again. _I broke my heart by loving you, too, do I not love you enough?_ When he opened his swollen eyes, Sehun was nowhere to be seen. He sat still on his bed, spiritless eyes opened wide, wandering around the room till sunrise. 

It was another day, _just another day without you._

_사월이 지나면  
When April fades away  
그땐 우리 아무 일도 없듯이  
Let’s walk away as if  
발길을 돌려요  
Nothing’s wrong  
그래야 마지막 우리 인사가  
So that our last goodbye  
아름다울 수 있게  
Will be beautiful  
그때까진 조금만 더 웃어요  
Just smile a little longer until then_

Feeling dull and melancholic, Baekhyun took out his notebook and started writing with the same fountain pen bought by Sehun. He wished this pen could perform magic and made what he wrote come true. April was his favourite month, the weather was beautiful and Spring symbolised new beginning. It was, of course, Sehun’s birthday month.

He imagined, some time in future, he and Sehun would finally find the long-lost bright smile again under the warm April sun. _Happiness is such a luxury, I don’t worth it, do I?_ Baekhyun wondered. 

_Will there be such an April that we’d finally bid farewell to this endless whirlpool?_

✧  
Junmyeon knew something was wrong the moment Baekhyun stepped into his room and sat on the usual seat without a word. He knew something was probably _very_ wrong when their gaze met. Baekhyun looked disheveled, his eyes were sunken, hollow and darker than before. It was like he had aged 10 years within a week’s time.

Then he watched Baekhyun grieve again. Crying, and more crying. A glass of hot water, a box of tissue, and half an hour of silence, were all he could offer. The sob eventually died down, the fuel was used up, there were no tears left to cry. 

“Sehun said I don’t love him.” Baekhyun finally broke the silence and confessed. Junmyeon was aware that Baekhyun sometimes had hallucinations of his deceased lover, which was in fact not uncommon for mourners undergoing emotional trauma. 

“But you do love him, don’t you?” Junmyeon asked.

“I do...” Baekhyun sighed, “more than anything else in the world.”

“Only you know how much you love a person, no one else can judge you. Next time when emotion hits you and you are in doubt, remember this. Love is not defined by how often you recall the sweet memories or think about him, but how much those memories weigh in your heart.”

“I love him... But the more I love him, the more I feel like I’m betraying and abandoning him when I try to get myself back on my foot...” Baekhyun said hesitantly.

 _So here is the real issue._ Junmyeon thought. _Guilt._ The feeling of guilt that Baekhyun imposed on himself. He felt guilty for feeling positive when seeing the sunshine, he felt guilty for enjoying delicious food with his friends, he felt guilty for resuming his various hobbies during weekends, he felt guilty for trying to continue his life in such a normal way without Sehun.

_Baekhyun felt guilty for having the chance and the choice to move on._

“Baekhyun, you are inside a dark room with a window and a door. You look outside through the window and see a pair of birds flying freely under the sun while humming a pleasant melody. You long for that taste of freedom, you wonder how good it must feel. Yet, you never try opening the door because you made an assumption that you are caged. If you try, you will realise that the door is never locked. There is no key to freedom because there is no lock, the only invisible lock that blocked the way is yourself, you are imprisoning yourself from what you are really longing for. You can rescue and free yourself, only if you give it a try, and push the door.” Junmyeon continued. 

Baekhyun looked at Junmyeon while sinking into deep thought, digesting his words. 

“I hope you will think about this again at home. I’m glad to know that you are having more social contact and are picking up some of the pastime you like, having this kind of routine back is good for you. We will see how things go next week. Meanwhile, Dr Li will prescribe some hypnotics for you. Remember, only take the minimum dose when it is necessary, okay?” 

“Yah, thank you.” Baekhyun nodded, he needed some time on his own to collect his thought. He hugged Junmyeon and walked towards the door. 

“You don’t have to feel guilty for just living your life.” Junmyeon added before he waved Baekhyun goodbye.

✧  
_그대가 멀어진 만큼  
As you drift away  
시야가 흐려지네요  
You fade away  
사랑했었기 때문에  
Because we loved each other_

“Love is not defined by how often you recall the sweet memories or think about him, but how much those memories weigh in your heart.”

_우리 마지막 인사를 해요  
Let’s say our last goodbyes  
이 시간이 가기 전에  
I pray that before this time ends  
행복해요 그걸 빌어요  
You can find happiness_

“You don’t have to feel guilty for just living your life.”

_기억해요 사랑했단 걸 우리  
Let’s not forget our love  
우리 우리 우리  
You and me, us, together_

_Will there be such an April?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the story so far, I did try to make the therapy sessions sound real haha. Next part will be the last one, happy reading!


	4. Flower

✧  
_고요한 침묵만 가득한 마음은  
My heart, filled with nothing but a still silence  
텅 비어 온기마저 흩어져  
Is empty so even the warmth scatters away  
쓸쓸히 혼자 견뎌온 꽃 한 송이  
One flower endured through it alone_

_한숨도 못 자고 기다렸던  
May the spring of my heart I have awaited  
내 맘의 봄이 어서 와주길  
Without a moment of sleep come quickly  
겨울 지나 불어온 봄바람 따라  
Following the spring breeze that blew past winter  
다시 또 내 안에  
And into my heart…_

✧  
_Will there be such an April?_  
  
Baekhyun had been thinking about this repeatedly throughout the next couple of weeks. He tried to avoid relying on medicines as much as he could, but both the dream and reality kept haunting him. He felt lost and trapped in a labyrinth, the light of rescue at the far end of the tunnel seemed unreachable.  
  
_“You don’t have to feel guilty for just living your life.”_  
  
_“Is this how you love me, by erasing and forgetting me forever?”_  
  
As if Baekhyun could hear the arguments at either side of his eardrums, the debate went on and on without an end. He never felt so incapable before, incapable to live nor to love, to understand himself nor to find the way out. Talking to Junmyeon helped him a lot, but a therapist was just a therapist. He could guide Baekhyun to sort out his feelings, emotions and thoughts, but he could not make decisions for him nor tell him what to do. He guided Baekhyun through the stage of utmost despair, now he was stuck at the stage of confusion, self-contradiction and instability. Baekhyun knew it better than anyone else, that he had to find the way out himself, or in Junmyeon’s words, he had to push the door.  
  
Baekhyun realised that Sehun was standing beside him, he had his arms crossed while leaning against the wall. Heart skipping a beat again, Baekhyun stared at his expressionless lover in silence, he wondered if Sehun was here to strangle him again.

“Sehunie.” Baekhyun whispered. Sehun didn’t say anything, he just continued staring at Baekhyun with an unreadable expression.

“I have been thinking a lot recently, about you, about us.” Baekhyun continued. “I remember how surreally happy we were when we went on dates or simply stayed home together, but when I recall them habitually now, I can’t feel that happiness at all.” He made a short pause and bit his lower lip.

“Instead, I feel numb and detached - and it doesn’t sound right to me. Our mesmerising memories don’t deserve to be consumed and diminished this way... I want to remember you, remember us, but I want to do it in a way that honours our love properly. Yet, I am not a strong person anymore, I need you to walk this road with me, to push the door with me, to... move on with me.” 

_You should let him know how you feel. Don’t think about his reactions, think about your emotions first. He will understand you, and you will eventually understand yourself, because he lives inside you, he is you._ Junmyeon said during their last session.

“I always remember, _‘Let’s live while doing things we like’_ is your life motto, it becomes mine, too. That’s why I am trying to resume my normal life with things I like to do. You know, _loving you_ is also a thing I like, and it’s undoubtedly the thing I like doing the most.” Baekhyun paused momentarily, took a deep breath before he continued.

“Therefore I want to make a promise to you, _as long as I’m still breathing, I’ll live while loving you._ ” He looked at Sehun fondly, the one and only one he had been loving for so long. 

Baekhyun felt his heart racing fast when Sehun walked slowly towards him, he had no idea how would Sehun react. _What if he doesn’t understand, what if he doesn’t agree?_ Sehun stopped and stood right in front of Baekhyun. _The worst will just be another choke... then everything will be over, it’s not a big deal._

He shut his eyes when Sehun approached him and closed the distance between the two. The expected attack didn’t happen, though. “Baek,” Sehun placed a soft peck on Baekhyun’s forehead and said with his usual gentle voice, “never let me go.”

Baekhyun immediately opened his eyes and was disappointed to see an empty bedroom. Sehun was gone before he even had a chance to respond. 

“Sehun-ah, you’re always here, and I’ll always love you.” Baekhyun placed his hand on his chest, feeling the regular thumping of his heart. 

That was the moment Baekhyun felt like he finally transformed from barely living to being alive again. 

✧  
Baekhyun was famished after his workout session. He was fed up with being exhausted and fatigue all the time so when he occasionally spotted a physical training course advertisement he signed up without second thought. Since then, he had become a regular visitor to the gym. Things didn’t go well, he struggled most of the time and often made his physical trainer shake his head, sigh and laugh. 

“Huuhhh, I did it!!” Baekhyun yelped after he succeeded in lifting the weight that he failed to do so in past two weeks. However, when he turned his head, he saw Jongin, his physical trainer, looking at him with an amused face, one hand still holding the barbell. “Oh Jongin, nooo. This is cheating.” He pouted and hit Jongin’s arm jokingly. 

“You’ll be able to do that soon, but you’ve had enough today. Let’s try again next time.” Jongin chuckled and passed a bottle of water to Baekhyun. They briefly chatted for a while before Baekhyun went to the changing room.

He always felt more alive and refreshed after sweating. It was indeed a wise decision to start working out, he secretly praised himself for making such move. Feeling the need to fill his empty stomach, he decided to go to his favourite Japanese ramen shop - their favourite, to be exact.

The shop hadn’t changed much since the last time he visited, even the waiter who kept staring at him all the time was there too.

“Hello, table for one please.” Baekhyun said while looking at the waiter. He recognised Baekhyun at once, and was surprised to see him again after all these months.

“Hi, this way please.” The waiter led Baekhyun to the table, he passed him the menu and muttered shyly, “it’s good... to see you again.” 

“Ummm, yes it’s been a while... well I don’t need the menu, I know what I want. A Tonkotsu ramen please.” 

“That’s all?” The waiter was expecting Baekhyun to order like last time, but he realised he sounded rather awkward and impolite. “Oh I mean, would you like to have something to drink?”

“Iced Oolong tea would be good, thank you.” Baekhyun passed the menu back to the waiter, their eyes fixed on each other for a few seconds before the waiter rushed back to the counter to place the order. 

The ramen was delicious as usual, it reminded Baekhyun of the way Sehun devoured the entire bowl within minutes every time, it also reminded him of the untouched soaked leftover last time he was here. A bowl of ramen brought back completely different memories. This time, Baekhyun decided not to overthink about anything, he left all unnecessary thought aside and focused only on the food.

He waved his hand and asked for the bill with a well satisfied stomach. The same waiter came to him with the bill, he was staring at Baekhyun again. 

“Can I ask why are you staring at me all the time? You did that last time too.” Baekhyun asked while putting a few notes down.

“I... it’s...” The waiter slightly blushed when Baekhyun looked directly into his eyes.

“You think I’m psychotic, don’t you?”

“No, it’s not like that.” The waiter immediately shook his head, he hesitated a bit before elaborating. “I just think you are cute, but you looked so miserable back then... and...” 

“And what?” 

“You look like you have a story... or stories to tell.” By the time he finished the entire sentence, his face was completely red. _Do I?_ Baekhyun blinked his eyes and thought. 

“I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable, I don’t have any ill intention...” The waiter said apologetically. “My name is Lucas, by the way.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry. I’m Baekhyun.” 

Lucas collected the notes, got some change from the counter then returned to Baekhyun’s table. “Here’s your change. Umm, my shift will end in 10 minutes, can I get you a coffee afterwards? I mean... if you don’t mind, I want to apologise... for my behaviour?”

“Well, I have to meet up my friends soon, maybe next time?” Baekhyun didn’t miss the slight disappointment on Lucas’ face, he chuckled and said, “hey, give me your mobile.”

✧  
_꽃이 핀다 보드라운 봄빌 담아  
Flowers bloom, holding the soft spring showers  
아픔인 줄 알았던  
And the petals drink in the tears  
눈물을 머금은 잎이 하나둘 피어온다  
That I thought were nothing but pain and bloom  
차갑게 얼어붙은 계절이 어느새 녹아내리듯  
As the cold, icy season has come to melt  
어쩌면 그렇게  
Perhaps spring will come_

“So, did you give him your number?” Junmyeon asked after Baekhyun told him what happened this week. 

“Yah, it’s difficult to describe, but I felt something when he gazed at me and said I look like I have stories to tell. I don’t know, he just seemed... sincere and empathetic and it kind of made me wanna talk to him?” 

“Or maybe you just want to have a new friend? You know you don’t have to open up to him so soon, but as I’ve always said, it is good to have more social contact, to the extent that you are comfortable with. Baekhyun, you have done a really great job. It is indeed a breakthrough, do you realise that you are starting to look at your memories from a different angle now?” 

“Perhaps I’m starting to realise that memories are like _snapshots_ \- people in particular moments are being captured. I have tonnes of snapshots in my mind, but if I only focus on flipping those albums over and over, I will overlook and miss the actual scenery that may be as breathtaking as those snapshots. I’m just trying to open my eyes more often now.” Junmyeon was surprised by Baekhyun’s response, he nodded his head, acknowledging what Baekhyun had said.

“Exactly, memories and reality can co-exist and be equally important, but you will need to figure out the equilibrium. After all, you are living at your present, so it makes sense that you spend more time on it than your past.” 

“I know. Also, I think I will stop taking hypnotics going forward.” Baekhyun explained although he still saw Sehun occasionally, he seldom had any sleeping issues now and he would like to stop taking medicine completely. 

Junmyeon was impressed by Baekhyun’s resilience, he really made his best effort to cope with the situation despite how tough it was. His mental stability had improved significantly over the past weeks. _Going beyond the oscillating thoughts, Baekhyun will soon reaches the final maintenance stage, the most crucial and challenging hurdle on the road to recovery,_ Junmyeon thought.

“Yah, your condition has improved and I think we can stop the prescription for now. Baek, you are making good progress so far, I hope you can keep the momentum and try feeling yourself more. You are much stronger than you thought.” Junmyeon gave Baekhyun an encouraging smile.

“I can’t do this without you, you have guided and motivated me a lot. I really don’t know how to thank you, _Hyung._ ” 

“You don’t have to, you already showed your gratitude by trusting me. I’ll see you next week, have a nice evening, Baek.” Junmyeon hugged Baekhyun as usual before escorting him to the door. 

✧  
Lucas and Baekhyun were heading towards a coffee shop, which was, according to Lucas, the most amazing coffee shop in Seoul. They had been texting each other for a few weeks and they got along quite well. Lucas was five years younger than Baekhyun, due to financial reasons he dropped out from the university one and a half year ago. In order to save money and resume his study as soon as possible, he worked at the ramen shop during day time and gave tutorials to children in the evening. Baekhyun said he should be the one paying since he was the _Hyung_ but Lucas insisted he needed to treat him a coffee as an apology. 

“Hyung, here it is, this shop is really _daebak._ ” Lucas said excitedly when they reached their destination. He entered the coffee shop and asked for a table for two. Baekhyun just stood before the entrance, motionless. 

It was _that_ coffee shop, the same one Sehun and he went on their first date. Baekhyun felt his entire body tightened up and he was not able to move an inch. He was heavy-hearted, after all their first date was the beginning of everything. It weighed differently, it was one of the most important memory to him. He was uncertain if he was brave enough to step into that dangerous territory buried in the deepest part of his heart yet. 

“Why are you standing there? Come!” Lucas grabbed Baekhyun’s wrist and led him inside the shop. “What do you want to drink? Let me order for you.”

“... A hot cappuccino will do. Thanks.” Baekhyun replied absentmindedly. The shop looked as cosy as before, he wondered if the cappuccino still tasted the same.

Lucas returned to their table after a few minutes. He put the hot cappuccino in front of Baekhyun, together with a piece of cake. A chocolate truffle cake, _that devilishly good cake._ Baekhyun stared at the cake and then met Lucas’ gaze. He was unsure what to do, he must looked pale now.

“Hyung, what happened?” Lucas saw the sudden change in Baekhyun’s facial expression, he thought he did something wrong. _Did I screw it up before we even start talking?_

“Nothing, just... I have been here before, a couple of years ago.” Baekhyun tried to control his flooding emotion before continuing, “with my lover.”

Lucas didn’t expect their conversation to start this way, his round eyes widened, mouth opened then closed. He was choosing appropriate words in his mind before saying anything. Baekhyun took a sip of the hot cappuccino, he bit his lower lip, feeling complicated.

“If you don’t mind me asking, did you two... break up? It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, we barely know each other after all.” Lucas asked curiously, judging by Baekhyun’s expression, it seemed like that relationship didn’t end well.

“No. He had an accident and...” Baekhyun clenched his fists for a moment before relaxing them, “he passed away.” He managed to state this heart-breaking fact out calmly.

Lucas almost jumped from his seat, _I screwed this up, definitely._ “I’m so sorry... do you want to go to another place, or should I accompany you home?” He said worriedly, eyebrows frowned, looking like a helpless child.

Another wave of silence filled the space between them. “It isn’t your fault. That’s okay, things just happened.” 

_Yes, things just happened._ Baekhyun took a small bite of the cake, the same rich choco flavour stimulated his tastebuds, nostalgia intruded his mind. He hadn’t cry for a while since he had been making progress with the therapy, but now he felt a desperate need to vent out his overwhelming sorrow. He was in tears again. 

Lucas moved to the seat next to Baekhyun’s and handed him a pack of tissues. He just sat there and waited till Baekhyun’s sobs died down. _So this is the story hidden under his miserable droopy eyes._ Lucas patted Baekhyun’s shoulder and comforted him without saying anything.

“Maybe I should go. I’m not... in the best condition now.” Baekhyun muttered faintly with a forced smile.

“Sure, let me take you home.” Lucas took Baekhyun’s backpack and helped him up. They left the coffee shop, leaving behind two cups of coffee that were no longer hot and a barely touched cake.

“Hyung, you have an amazing and adorable smile, but next time you don’t have to force yourself if you don’t want to smile.” Lucas broke the silence while they were walking towards Baekhyun’s apartment.

“I know I look really awful now, but thanks anyway, for not treating me as if I was... mad.” 

“No, you still look good.” Lucas replied gently. “And as I’ve said before, you just have stories to tell, and you may need some time, that’s all.”

They continued their way home in silence, but in a comfortable way. While they were waiting for the traffic lights to turn green, Baekhyun looked across the road and saw a familiar face standing there, watching him.

Sehun was looking at him from afar, with the same charming smile that made Baekhyun fall in love with him years ago.

✧  
Baekhyun had been working on his latest collection, which was planned to be released the following year. After going through all these ups and downs, he remained a firm believer of the magic of words. Reading what he had written throughout the past year was like reading his diary, his memoir. There had been an evident change in tone and choice of words recently and he was pleased with his progress.

He also got used to the weekly session with Junmyeon, sometimes he even looked forward to this regular casual conversation. Instead of complaining about things, most of the time Baekhyun just shared his inner thoughts about his daily life, his emotions and feelings. The situation was much more stable compared to earlier months, he was gradually picking up the ability to understand his hidden feelings, pay attention to his heart and express his thoughts coherently. Although Junmyeon refused to agree, Baekhyun regarded him as a guardian angel who guided him through the labyrinth. Junmyeon joked, instead of a guardian angel, he was actually a duster. He simply removed the dust piled up on the full-length mirror inside Baekhyun’s heart so that he was able to see himself, clear and complete, again. 

Besides mental stability, Baekhyun also worked hard on his physical strength. After many intensive sessions and intentional teases from Jongin like, “you tiny puppy won’t be able to lift this without my help”, he finally made a breakthrough and lifted _that_ weight successfully without Jongin cheating at the back.

“See, I don’t need your help, on top of that I’m not a tiny puppy.” Baekhyun smirked and said proudly. 

“Alright alright, you can be really competitive sometimes.” Jongin was amused by Baekhyun’s confident look.

“I’m not competitive, I just learnt to put trust in myself.” Baekhyun grabbed his towel and headed towards the changing room. He had to be quick, Kyungsoo was waiting for him downstairs, and he was not fond of people arriving late at all. 

Baekhyun brought Kyungsoo to that cosy coffee shop. “Why are we coming here? I thought you don’t want to...” Kyungsoo didn’t finish his sentence before Baekhyun interrupted.

“Why not? They got the best coffee and cake.” Baekhyun smiled and entered the shop.

“Last time when we were here, I scared the hell out of Lucas.” They sat down at the corner of the shop after placing the order.

“So you brought me here, knowing I’m not easily scared.” Kyungsoo joked. 

“Hey, I’m not gonna freak out this time. Months go by, I feel like I’m seeing things from different perspective again and... I think I can live with it now.” Baekhyun ordered the same combination as before, hot cappuccino and chocolate truffle cake. He sank his teeth into the cake, a satisfied smile appeared on his face.

“Baek, you know, you have matured a lot, really. I read your latest drafts and they are all amazing. Reading your work is like witnessing your journey of growth and transformation. I think the publisher will love it.” Kyungsoo didn’t compliment people often but when he did, he meant it whole-heartedly.

“I am also quite satisfied with my work this time. I really pour my soul into it and I hope my message will be conveyed well.” Baekhyun took a few more bites of the cake before continuing. “The cake is really good, best of the best. You have to try it, it’s Sehun’s and my favourite.” He didn’t wait for Kyungsoo’s response and forced a small piece of the cake into his mouth directly.

“It’s not bad, but you know I’m not a fan of sweets... you better finish the rest yourself.” Kyungsoo’s eyebrows frowned momentarily, he immediately took a sip of his Iced Americano to dilute the sweetness. “Oh, by the way, how’s thing going with the ramen boy?” 

“We are just good friends, that’s it.” Baekhyun shrugged his shoulder while Kyungsoo looked at him with his large questioning eyes. “Come on Kyungsoo! Don’t stare at me like this, it’s really not like that. It’s pure friendship, he is five years younger than me!” 

“Alright, I’ll trust you for the time being, but if we discover you are hiding anything from us, we will kick you out.” Kyungsoo chuckled. 

Both of them enjoyed this casual conversation. It felt familiar, it felt another step closer to what they had before. Before they left the coffee shop, Baekhyun took another look at the vintage signboard of the shop.

 _Reminiscence._ It was a really graceful name.

✧  
_\- Epilogue: The follow April -_

Baekhyun was sitting inside the preparation room accompanied by Kyungsoo. His new collection was finally released and he was going to hold a sharing session at this book store in 30 minutes’ time. “Soo, I’m nervous. I haven’t been speaking in front of a group of people for a long while... What if no body comes? What if they don’t read my books anymore?” Baekhyun pouted and let out a frustrated sigh.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Let’s get ready, the sharing will start soon.” Kyungsoo gave Baekhyun a reassuring smile and patted his shoulder. 

A representative from the publisher gave a brief introduction of Baekhyun, then he was welcomed by a round of applause. Baekhyun went on stage and bowed to the audience before sitting in the armchair at the centre. There were around 100 people joining the sharing session, which exceeded Baekhyun’s expectation. Baekhyun felt relieved when he saw his friends - Jongdae, Kyungsoo, Lucas and Jongin all sitting at the front row, supporting him. Jongdae was holding his mobile phone, probably live streaming the session with Chanyeol.

“Hi everyone, I’m Baekhyun. First of all, I would like to thank you for joining this session, in celebration of the release of my latest book, _April, and a Flower._ ” Baekhyun looked around from left to right, he wanted to memorise every face who sat there and supported him. 

“I’m not sure if you have been following my work before or I am a completely new writer to you. As a brief introduction, I’m a writer and illustrator, I write and I draw. I always believe words and paintings are both magical, they are so powerful, they can convey emotions and feelings in many different ways, realistically and abstractly. This is my third book, and is definitely the one that I have spent most time and effort on. In this one hour’s session, I would like to share with you some of my learnings and personal experience throughout the past two years. I hope by the end of this session, each of you will have some takeaway and will gain some new insight about life.” 

“Something drastic happened to me over two years ago. My lover, who was also my number one supporter, my inspiration and my motivation, had an accident and unfortunately passed away. I was living a content and perfect life with him, was planning on writing a new book then getting married afterwards. However, in the blink of an eye, the fairy tale was burnt into ashes. The feeling of losing someone who used to be beside you everyday seemed so unreal. I’m not going to lie, I felt like I was in hell, I felt like I was going to die any time. It was so painful, it was torturous to the extent that I didn’t feel alive at all, therefore I made one of the most colossal mistake in my life - I attempted to end it. When I look back now, it was almost like a miracle that my best friends came and rescued me before it was really too late. I probably won’t be sitting in front of all of you now if they weren’t by my side all the way. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of my friends, who never hesitated to give me a hand whenever I’m in need. I love you all.” Baekhyun looked at his friends sincerely, words were not enough for him to express his gratitude. 

“Having said so, things didn’t go easy, not at all. He was my soulmate, the love of my life. We used to be inseparable and we always talked about our future. It was the most tragic thing in my life, that I found someone I would really love to spend my life with, and I end up having to spend the rest of my life without him. This trauma hit me like a hurricane and my whole world was turned upside down. I felt like my soul was completely ruined, my brain could barely function, I was nothing but a walking dead person. There was no future, there was no tomorrow, even if there was one, it didn’t matter to me, nothing mattered to me anymore. My life was a fiasco and I was a complete failure.” Baekhyun paused for a few seconds, gathering his thought.

“And to add insult to injury, I started to realise something else was wrong. I had hallucinations from time to time, I saw my lover when I was writing, when I was shopping, when I was eating. He looked so vivid that I often forgot the fact that he was gone. His _existence_ kept reminding me of our past, he asked me to continue living, because it was the only way to remember him, and to remember us. _He’s right,_ I thought. I couldn’t live without him, so I _have to_ remember him. Keeping him alive in my mind made me feel like I was not abandoning him, it created an illusion that he was still with me. I replayed our memories in my head every single day, I forced myself to believe in this dream that would never come true. I lived like that for half a year, before I finally broke down and collapsed.” 

“Oscillating between illusion and reality drove me insane, it was like constantly battling with yourself. One particular incident plunged me into despair, at the same time served as a wake up call. I finally realised that I didn’t want to live like that, and I couldn’t live like that any longer neither. That’s when I started seeking professional help. It took a long time to heal, every day I was learning, taking steps and making progress. There were good days and bad days. I could be going out with my friends laughing one night and crying like crazy alone in my bedroom the other night. My therapist said I focused too much on my past, _our_ past, therefore I was ignoring what was happening at present and I would soon be foregoing what’s gonna happen in future. I soon realised the fact that our memory formed part of, but not the whole of my entirety. Our love can be _eternal_ , but it does’t define my _entire life._ ”

“My therapist taught me a lot, he said he could guide me to gather my thoughts and work out the solutions, but he could not make any decisions on my behalf. I am the only one who can heal myself. My mindset and way of thinking changed a lot in the past year. I came to understand that there was never an end to our relationship, nor will it ever be. Despite I will never see my lover again, a part of him will live inside my heart forever, _he remains alive in me_. It is indeed my perpetual regret that we don’t have the luck to grow old together, but I believe he is standing somewhere, witnessing the April sun rises and the flowers bloom with me.”

“This book is named _April, and a Flower_ , because my lover was born in April, and flower symbolises a new beginning. Before I end this session, I would like to share with you part of my favourite work - _Flower_ :

_깊은 밤 끝에 밝은 새벽이 시작되고  
A bright morning begins at the end of the deepest night  
다시 아름답게 태어나  
and is beautifully reborn  
꽃이 핀다 따스해진 해를 담아  
Flowers bloom, holding the warming sun  
작은 꿈들이 되어  
Becoming small dreams  
움츠려 있던 꽃잎이 하나둘 피어온다  
The withered flower petals bloom one by one  
차갑게 얼어붙은 계절이 어느새 녹아내리듯  
As the cold, icy season has come to melt  
기다린 봄날에 다시 피어온다  
The spring days I awaited bloom once again_

I hope you all have enjoyed this session so far. Thanks again for your support, I wish we will meet again in future. Have a very great evening. Thank you!” Baekhyun bowed to the audience again. The audience stood up and clapped their hands, they were touched by his moving speech and some of them were even shedding tears. 

Narrating what happened in the past two and a half years made Baekhyun emotional as well. It required tremendous courage to fight this battle and he was relieved that he could finally say he conquered it. Once he left the stage his friends came and congratulated him, Jongdae pulled him into a tight hug while Kyungsoo handed him a bunch of Sunflowers.

“I love you guys, I really do.” Baekhyun could no longer hold his tears and he started weeping. 

A guy approached Baekhyun and asked if they could have a private conversation. Baekhyun nodded and led him to the preparation room.

“Hi Baekhyun, I’m Xiumin. I’m really impressed by your excellent speech and your delicate work.” He gave Baekhyun his name card.

“Ummm, thank you.” Baekhyun smiled and responded politely, he then looked at Xiumin’s name card. _Oh, really?_

“I’m from MS Publishing, I would like to discuss an offer to translate and release your work in Chinese. I’m not sure if you are interested? This could be a good opportunity to absorb new readers.” Xiumin expressed his interest on Baekhyun’s work and the potential offer. Baekhyun was thrilled about this opportunity, he decided to discuss this with Kyungsoo at night so he promised to revert to Xiumin by end of the week. 

The group was going to have celebration dinner at night, before that Baekhyun still had one thing to do. He took his mobile out and sent a message to Junmyeon.

_Hyung, I’m on my way._

Today marked the beginning of a new stage in Baekhyun’s life. He just released his new book, and he would soon bid farewell to his therapy sessions. He was going to have his final wrap-up session with Junmyeon, after that they would officially terminate their therapist-patient relationship. Baekhyun knew he would miss Junmyeon’s thoughtfulness and insight, but he was sure that they would eventually cross path again, in some other way.

Baekhyun left the book store and walked towards the car park under the rays of the April sun. While he was waiting next to the traffic lights, he saw the same charming smile, as bright as sunshine, that had been warming him for years. The owner of the smile looked at him lovingly across the road, mouthing his confession word by word - _Baek, I am so proud of you. I love you._

 _Sehun, I love you too._ Baekhyun placed his hand on his left chest, feeling his lively heart beat. The sign turned green, Baekhyun smiled and crossed the road with a content heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story took me quite some time to write, and it made me emotional too. I started writing this solely because I wanted to try out writing 2 chapters from different perspectives in parallel, and bit by bit the whole storyline was formed - I hope you’ll enjoy this healing journey although it doesn’t have the perfect ending.
> 
> Just to add a special note that April, and a Flower is indeed the best healing album. Jongdae I love you :)
> 
> Thank you for reading and see you soon!


End file.
